The experience of lockdown has changed us all forever. I think there will be quite some time of adjustment and gentle integration back into life again, as we hear the news that phase four has ended, we can live freely once again. Right now, that feels like months away as we hear only week by week how the developments are going.
What does this do to our psychology, to our inner world and outer expressions of how we thrive? When someone asks me now, ‘how are you?’, it feels impossible to answer that with clarity or a simple answer. Within that one question there are many answers, all offering a little hint of how I am. All true.. in the very same moment.
I’m fine. I’m tired. I’m loving this. I’m fed up with this.I’m financially suffering. I’m peaceful about life. I’m anxious about what todo after. I’m loving the children. I’m needing space from the children. I’m putting on weight. I’m feeling old and unattractive. I want to see friends. I don’t want to see friends. I’m feeling embodied and full. I’m lonely. I’m wanting time alone. I’m clear on my intentions. I have no idea. And so, it goes on….
It doesn’t feel chaotic, rather than a peaceful wrangling ongoing as the days fall into one big mesh of time.
I experienced something last week that was like a knife cutting the thick air … a gift beyond anything I could have imagined it would be. A gift that keeps on giving.
My friend, neighbour and colleague, Emily, invited me to join her for an adventure. She asked three of us, to sneak out one night on full moon, and early one morning at sunrise.
She asked if she could take pictures of us, exactly where we are at, no hiding, just authentic truth.
The full moon evening was a perfect way to begin the transition out the house into the vastness of the world again. We sat together incircle and shared a little, feeling into ourselves and each other. Emily then guided us gently by inviting us to express ourselves in this very moment and time, whilst she photographed us. We played around with mood, feeling, desire, insecurity, insignificance, hiding, shining, feeling, flowing.
We allowed ourselves to be seen and to ask of ourselves to let go. I was amazed at how free and full it felt. Having been locked up, away from nature, from free expression for so long, this felt incredible. We were clothed, we were naked, we experimented and we laughed. We connected in and out and found energy in the offering.
The early morning shoot came… it felt so peaceful, to quietly move from our lockdown, into nature, hiding away from police and spying eyes, to find our safe space. As we began, all the old patterns and conditioning rose within, the voices of limitation.
‘You’re not good enough’
‘You will look rough’
‘Don’t be too sexy’
‘Your too old’ ….. and as they rose up, we acknowledged them and we thanked them for reminding us of the old and to deeply breath out the ‘let go’. As we did, we moved deeper into the embodiment of freedom, freedom from lockdown, from the government, from the police, from the walls that contain us, from the past voices in our distance memory and those close still, from our shadow selves and freedom from being human. We grew into our cells, held so gently and lovingly by Emily, her camera almost didn’t exist.
At the time I could feel my vulnerability, I was more aware of the effects upon me due to this past 9-week lockdown, I could feel how tenderI have become. Grief close by, love even closer. I could also feel my power in that vulnerability, I could feel my bones expanding for movement, for the new, for the play that wants to come…
Within this experience, the night shoot and the morning, I found my breath in the truest form. Emily captured a moment in my life which I will never forget. I’ll be sharing stories of it for years to come.
Thank you, Emily, for this incredible experience x